Lil' Mohamed

Here is a fun little exercise. Try Googling "The only thing terrorists understand" and see what pops up. Some examples that I see are Force, Brutality, More Power, the Business end of a bullet, or A bullet in the head. That’s just the first few but you get the drift, right? Many Bloggers and experts have used this phrase in some form to get their point across – Terrorists is dumb.
But awhile back I started to wonder to myself, “Are they really that dumb? Is there a chance they might understand something more. Something besides being dead?” So I took it upon myself to get to the bottom of this.
I adopted a terrorist. Here is a picture of Lil’ Mohamed. Isn’t he cute?

Well, anyway, I got him home a decided to get right to it. I was going to teach him some tricks. Or at least try to. We started off with something easy. I gave him some crayons, hoping that he would be able to draw a picture or write something that could prove he was able comprehend more than me just punching him over and over (Which I had done on the drive home already anyway). Here is what he drew.

Clearly, this did not prove any inelligence. I needed to test his skills in some other way. I figured “perhaps he can be taught to drive. Then he could Chauffeur me around.” That was a bad idea. Lil’ Mohamed does not understand what cars are really used for.

I had to punch Lil’ Mohamed many times to teach him a lesson. Blowing up cars is bad. “Very Bad Mohamed!!” He understood the beating pretty well.
Maybe it was still to early to teach him more advanced stuff. I realized that it was way too big of a step to go straight to driving. I needed to back up here. All the way back to the basics. I needed to find out if he could even learn to talk. We spent weeks together. I tried everything to get him to speak. But nothing was working. Even this didn’t get him to talk.
I came to the conclusion that he really did only understand one thing - Beatings. Everything else was too complicated for him to understand. But when I hit him, he knew exactly what I ment. That became my way of comunicating with him. It was our thing, and we loved our times together. It was the only time he had clearity. All the rest of his life was spent in confusion. That’s why I eventually had him put down at the vet. Sometimes my hands hurt to much to keep him enlightened. Well, I’ll miss that Lil’ Mohamed but at least I was able to put that argument to rest.

Cookie Reform Bill

Lawmakers took the first step Thursday on a bipartisan excessive cookie bill that would impose mandatory cuts in Cookie production from Nabisco, Keebler and other cookie companies.

Sen. Joe Lieberman, I-Conn., pushed the legislation out of his Cookie Reform subcommittee by a 4-3 vote, agreeing to a number of changes aimed primarily at garnering the needed majority to advance it.

The bill calls for setting limits on cookies and other cookie like products that are emitted from bakeries, factories, bake sales and AA meetings. Cookie bakers could exceed the limits by buying credits from companies whose cookie output are under their allowable ceiling.

Lieberman, with a tear in his eye, called the vote "potentially a landmark event, the moment at which the United States finally began a serious fight against the threat of unchecked cookie production."

Approval of the bipartisan legislation, whose co-sponsor is Sen. John Warner, R-Va., had been expected, but not without some early horse-trading for votes.

Sen. Frank Lautenberg, D-N.J., who favors more aggressive cuts in cookie production, agreed to support the bill after additional cookie reductions from fortune cookie companies were included. Earlier, Sen. Max Baucus, D-Mont., was persuaded to support the measure when changes were made in the Nilla Wafer Recipe to help fat people.

Voting against the bill were Sens. John Barrasso, R-Wyo., Johnny Isakson, R-Ga., and Bernard Sanders, I-Vt.

The full Senate Sweet Tooth Committee plans to take up the bill in coming weeks, when its chairman, Sen. Barbara Boxer, D-Calif., is expected to seek greater cookie production cuts.
Some Republicans complain the production requirements may already be too stringent, especially in earlier years when Oreos, the King of the Cookie world, would have to be cut by at least 15 percent by 2020.

Sen. George Voinovich, R-Ohio, said earlier this week the bill will have trouble getting the 60 votes need to overcome an expected filibuster on the Senate floor unless there is an easing of the early-year requirements. Republicans just love cookies too much to allow a cookie ban.

Many Anti-Happy groups support the legislation, but some extreme anti-Happies argue that it gives too much of a break to chocolate chip cookie companies, a major source of happy children.

Source: http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20071101/ap_on_go_co/congress_warming_1

The Mexican Dream

There is a growing trend that shows a major flow of elderly people are sneaking into Mexico. They are people who want a better life. Want to change their situation. They want to change many different things. These are people chasing the "Mexican Dream".

When we see people coming to the U.S. they are chasing the "American Dream". A dream where they can work, make a living, become successful. It's a very noble quest and America gives that opportunity to everyone (Except for elderly people). So people come from countries that don't have those same chances, to be here where we do.

But for some people, they have a different dream. Not the dream of hard work or fame. These are older folks. Retired and ready to kick back and enjoy their latter years without all the hustle and bustle of our busy American ways. And Mexico is just the answer.

Everyone knows there is no work in Mexico. That’s why many Mexicans come to America. And no work, means just relax. Enjoy a nice cold ice tea. It's just tropical weather and pool parties down there. The secret is out now and the retirement communities of Florida and Arizona are heading down in droves.

But the Mexican Government is trying to put an end to this dream now. There is a group or politicians and a part of society that are trying to have a fence put up. They want to build a fence along the Mexican – U.S. border that will keep an over population of non workers out of their country. They are worried about the stability of their Economy once the American elderly community out number the Mexican Citizens.

They also worry about their culture being lost or changed because of the new Illegal immigrants. Already they can see that their language is being destroyed. Most areas with heavy populations of Americans have changed to where English is the most common language. Even signs and menus are in English now. And now, lots of these communities are fighting for their right to vote.

We need to give our support to our fellow Americans that are living illegally in Mexico. We, as a nation, must rise up and say "NO!!" to a fence that keeps old people out of Mexico. And we must say "YES!!!" to amnesty for all of them already there. It's wrong that we should be blocked from the "Mexican Dream"!!!

http://www.usatoday.com/news/nation/2007-08-15-mexnursinghome_N.htm

Political Hybrids
(Or some other interesting title)


Where are the Whigs at? Right now we have a one party system that is falling apart. I always write more humor stuff but this will be a short rambling about our screwed up system. I'll be back to satire next time though.

But you look at our government right now, and you can't help but feel disappointed. How did we let ourselves get to this point? We have a President who doesn't listen to anybody and if you disagree with him now, he calls you a racist. An "anti-immigrant" and suggested we suffer from "rage" and "national chauvinism."

You have Pelosi and others who scream about Pres. Bush and everything he does. All they do is Fight and bicker and act petty all day long…………..

You know, serious blogs are stupid and hard to write. I don't like it. I thought I would at first, but then it sucked. For the remainder of this blog I am going to just write non-sense. Because that’s what I think our 2 party system has become - Non-sense.

Four score and 7 years ago, there lived a yellow unicorn who loved to eat candy corn. His name was Charlie. Because no one else in the world liked candy corn Charlie was able to fly around and eat all the candy corn he could ever desire. There had been so much candy corn stockpiled since the end of WWII that it actually would just fall from the sky on windy days. Those were such happy days for Charlie.

At the height of the cold war though, Charlie was drafted in to the military to fight the Russians. He assassinated a lot of top KGB operatives and even one elf. But he hated being in Russia so much. That was the only country in the world that was to poor to buy candy corn. So he went a wall and hid down in Brazil for the next 46 years. Last year he died of natural causes.

The End.

p.s. This story has very deep symbolism in it.

Interview With The Pres.

I recently had the rare opportunity to have a sit down with Pres. George W. Bush. It was a great chance for me to ask some of the hard questions that many of us have been wanting answers to for a long time. Here are the transcripts of the interview in their entirety.

Nick: "Good Morning President. Thank you so much for coming here today."

Pres: "Thank you for having me. It's nice to get out of the White House sometimes."

Nick: "Well, let's jump right in, Shall we. Many Democrats were really upset about the Bill you vetoed that defunded the war and set a timeframe for withdrawal. Did you feel that that veto was a good idea?"

Pres.: "Oh yeah. That was really funny to see them all get in a huff about it. Plus I think setting a date for withdrawal is a bad idea. A better plan of action then bringing home the troops is to keep them over there."

Nick: "How long do you plan that they'll be there for?"

Pres: "Oh, forever. I don't think we should ever leave. You see, one thing that a lot of people don't realize is that the Iraqi people are desperate for work. They will often times do the work that even Mexicans won't do and for a lot less money too. So our plan is to create an open boarder between the U.S. and Iraq."

Nick: "An open boarder? What do you mean by that?"

Pres: "Well, besides the obvious benefit of lots and lots of camels in the U.S. we think that when the Iraqi people are allowed to walk straight into the country with no questions asked, it will be a great model of friendship. Plus, just think of all the new day laborers we would have."

Nick: "Do you worry about terrorists or anything that might come over though?"

Pres: "I worry about that ever single day. That’s why we are doing what we're doing over there. Killing terrorists. That and stockpiling oil."

Nick: "But you just said it was to make an open boarder."

Pres. "Of course I did. Why else would we be there?"

Nick: "Ok, let's move on. About the Open Boarders stuff. Can you explain why you are giving amnesty to the illegal aliens in the U.S. right now?"

Pres: "First off, it's not amnesty for illegal aliens, ok. It's amnesty only for Undocumented Mexicans. We don't want to confuse this bill for being for everyone. You hear that Canada and France! Mexicans Only!! And soon Iraqis too."

Nick: "Well, why the distinction between Mexicans and everyone else?"

Pres: "If anyone makes that point, then it's because they hate brown people. You know, I think Iraqis look kind of brown too."

Nick: "Lets talk about your approval rating for a minute. It's seems like just when it couldn't get any lower, you do something that makes even more people hate you. Does that bother you?"

Pres: "Oh, big time. That’s why I do something for some people one time and then stuff for the other side the next time. I'm trying to make everyone like me."

Nick: "Do you ever consider picking one side to be on and work on just making them happy?"

Pres: "But then the other people will get mad. I just can't win no matter what I do. I can't even win the popular vote, whatever that means. But on the plus side, I think the Mexicans like me right now. That’s why they are my new favorite Americans."

Nick: "But lots of them aren't Americans."

Pres: "They will be soon though."

Nick: "So, Will the new Mexican citizens have to pay taxes and fines and stuff with this new bill?"

Pres: "Well, part of the deal I made with Mexico was that once the Undocumented Mexicans become documented, they will keep their same benefits of free education, health plans, and no taxes that they've always had. It would be kind of hard to convince them that they should become citizens if you made them have all the same lack of benefits that the non-brown Americans have don't you think?"

Nick: "Ummmm…. Ok, but that seems a little unfair maybe. At least to the majority of Americans it seems wrong. Don't you agree?"

Pres. "To any one who thinks that's a bad idea then I just have one thing to say – You hate brown people"

Nick: " Ok, well, that seems to be it for time today Mr. President. Thank you for being here today and answering some questions."

Pres: "You're welcome. And remember, go find a Mexican and shake their hand today. Lets all give them a warm welcome."

A Great New Offer

Have you ever felt guilty about the amount of pollution and carbon that you put out in to the atmosphere? Have you ever wished there was a way to reduce the amount of your “Carbon Footprint” but didn’t know how to do this without changing the way you live? It’s a huge issue these days, especially with global warming and everything. Well, your answer has finally arrived.

Al Gore has paved the way yet again by teaching us a solution. He is the Global Warming Messiah. You see, he spent over $30,000 dollars last year to heat and light his house for just him and his wife. Now, If you just heard that, you would think he was a big huge hypocrite for telling us we need to reduce our carbon output while he increased his to a point of unbelief. But to counter his carbon output all he had to do was purchases “Carbon Credits”. These are from homeless people who don’t use as much carbon as real people do.

So for every 5 thousand kilowatt hours (the average American households power usage for 6 months) you can buy these “Carbon Credits”. And once you’ve purchased such credits, a homeless person, representing the credits bought, will be shipped to your house. Al Gore bought 38 homeless people last year alone. And now he has a clear conscience knowing that he has evened the balance and done his part to reduce his portion of greenhouse gasses.

And now this offer is available for everyone (except homeless people). You too can be guilt free and well on your way to a happy life of luxury with a simple phone call to Enviro Friendly Corp. It’s as easy as that. And your very own homeless person will be collected in an area near you and brought to you in a hybrid car so you don’t have to worry about the emissions from a jet during shipping. The Homeless person even comes with a cage free of charge. But hurry to get in on this offer while supplies last. It’s the great new offer by Enviro Friendly Corp. Remember, do the right thing, like Al Gore.

“I’m Al Gore and I approved this message”

LOOK OUT BEHIND YOU!!!

“Hey, what’s that really scary, ugly thing standing right behind you?!?!”

“What, that thing right there? Oh, that’s just Global Warming. Don’t worry about it though. It can’t hurt you; unless you ate some popcorn kernels recently.”

This is an example of any number of conversations going on right now, all of which consist of people ignorant of the dangers of Global Warming. What many people don’t realize is that Global Warming can sneak into your house at night and steal your children. And that’s just one of the many deadly results that can occur from Global Warming.

Have you ever woken up in the middle of the night in cold sweats? Have you ever burned your tongue on hot coffee? Or have you ever slipped on the ice and hurt your tail bone? If you answered ‘yes’ to any of these questions, or countless others, then you have been a victim of Global Warming. And it doesn’t stop there either. Oh no my friend, Global Warming can sometimes even leave the toilet seat up. So, next time a girl nags you about that, tell her that it was probably Global Warming.

So, what do we do? How can we fix this problem? Many people have suggested the old ‘If you ignore it long enough, it’ll go away’ approach. It has been used for some time now and it seems like a sound theory on paper but in practice it hasn’t paned out the way many had hoped. You see, the main stream media hasn’t let it go away. They keep Global Warming locked up in a cellar some where in Delaware and just let it out at night to feed. Then they put it back in the cellar in the morning and keep it hidden so no one can find it and free it. Basically, Global Warming is like the media’s bitch.

“Is there an alternative option?” you might ask. Well, in fact there is, but just one and it’s not an easy thing to accomplish either. We must unite all the Wizards and Giants to join together in the battle to end all battles. If they could defeat Global Warming then the planet will be saved and there will never be another threat for the rest of time that could harm us. But if they lose, that will be the end of the world as we know it – game over. But we must do what we know is right and just. Difficult paths are the most rewarding. Good luck planet Earth.