Friday, May 12, 2006
guild Lines For Foreigners
Recently the American Government put out guidelines for Americans traveling abroad that would help to shed a better light on the way we are perceived. Apparently the rest of the world views us as loud, crass, and belligerent. So if American travelers followed these new guild lines and acted appropriate we could once again be liked by other people and have friends. Which I guess is now one of our new goals. Never mind the fact that all these countries that hate us so much would actually risk there "lives" to get here. (It is very dangerous to sneak into America) But that is for a different blog. Right now I want to write my own guild lines. How Foreigners Should Act to Make American Travelers Feel More Comfortable

1) Most important of all, you must speak English. English should be spoken every where by every one. Americans cant be hassled with trying to learn 50 different languages just so we can order a cheese burger where ever we might be. Its not right. English is the best Language so it will be chosen as the new international language that everyone must speak.

2) Along those same lines are signs. All signs need to be changed to be written in English. There is nothing worse than an American in a strange country whos lost because he cant read a sign or get directions because everyone is foreign. And DO NOT USE THE METRIC SYSTEM. Kilometers are gay.

3) I know there are a lot of countries that use bartering when selling stuff. I don't care if you all barter among your selves but any time an American comes up to buy something, you should all automatically drop to the lowest price possible. That will save lots of time and money for us.

4) NO MORE SUICIDE BOMBINGS WHEN AMERICANS ARE AROUND. Some one could get seriously hurt. Do all of that stuff on your own time. We don't like it.

5) Always offer Americans lots of really good gifts. We are very trigger happy people and you should do whatever you can to stay on our good side. And don't make really sudden movements around us. Like I said, we trigger happy.

6) Some Countries have really good food and some don't. ie. Japan. So if you're one of the counties with bad food then you need to get some good food shipped there. Like cheese burgers.

7) Wave lots of non-burning American flags around. That puts us in a good mood and helps us to be more friendly to your country. You wouldn't want to start a war with us for something so retarded as burning flags. Use common sense people.

8) Plant apple trees all over the place. Jonny Appleseed planted trees all across America way back in the day. It was a good idea then and its a good idea now. Then everyone should use the apples to make lots of apple pie. American apple pie. No weird ingredients please.

9) If you don't have anything nice to say about our President of Government, then don't say anything at all. Only Americans can make fun of our selves or complain about our politics. And that goes for illegal aliens as well. The only reason you're all still here is that Chuck Norris hasn't round house kicked you all out of here yet. So don't say bad stuff about us and make Chuck mad or you'll be sorry.

So that's my list and any county that follows these rules is well on there way to being friends with us. So if you're ever having an encounter with an American and have a situation come up that wasn't covered under these rules then stop and consider the best course of action. Always choose the option that doesn't make us angry. Angry Americans often times mean wars. Basically, just treat us all like kings and I think you will do fine.